Oh Liam. You’re not even here yet and my sleep (& life) pattern is already adjusting.
Went to sleep at 1:20am and woke up at 5:00am. Not so bad now, but I’m sure weeks and months (or less) of that kind of sleep are not gonna be so pretty for your Mommy! I wonder if my sleep cycle is changing because I’m inducing to breast feed? That’s the only explanation I can come up with. I’m pumping every 3 hours or so, I would assume that my body at this point is so ready for all of this to begin that it won’t let me miss a pump session.
I’m constantly daydreaming – and regular night dreaming – about Liam’s birth. I’ve dreamed every scenario you could imagine; a normal calm birth, a crazy emergency c-section, birth at home, birth without me there (similar to those prom-dreams where I forgot to buy a dress that I use to have in high school), etc. It’s so amazing how even though I am not the one experiencing the pregnancy hormones, I am still identifying with Kristen’s stages of pregnancy and all the anxiety associated. I guess it makes sense, I am the parent of that little nugget in there. I’m the one thinking about the feeding, diapering, bathing, screaming, and all those wonderful little pieces of parenthood associated with a newborn. That reminds me –
I think I’ve written this in another post, but I’ll repeat.
When Kristen was only a couple of months along, I went to the chiropractor for a routine adjustment. One spot in particular on my spine was really bothering me and felt swollen. My chiro began my adjustment and I pointed out the ailment – she looked down at my spine and tears filled her eyes. She poked around in that area for just a minute before sitting me up and tearfully telling me how special my back pain was. Naturally, I thought something was wrong with me. She explained that pregnant women, due to the uterus/baby growth in her middle body, typically get an area in their middle-to-low back of swollen vertebrae which causes pain. She’s been adjusting me for around 2 years and has never seen this area of problem in my back before – which is why she was so amazed. She told me that my body was already “synching” with Kristen’s and the pregnancy. Go figure, my body is either a total failure or a total miracle – or, I suppose, both.
Fast forward to my breast feeding journey. I have been seeing a friend of mine who is a doctor as well as a certified lactation and nursing specialist for my milk induction. I decided to go to CMC’s lactation department to introduce myself before Liam’s arrival and explain my intentions with breast feeding. Coincidentally enough, the head of the lactation department there remembered me, and I her. We both vaguely think that our first meeting was when I was in the hospital the first time, when everything happened, and doctors were coming up to my room to meet the “miracle girl”. Anyways, we chatted about my breast feeding stimulation routine and such before performing a pumping session to check progress. As we chatted, I noted my sleep cycle and schedule beginning to change. I told her that I wake up every morning around 4am, am up for about 15 to 30 minutes, and then fall back asleep. Some mornings I wake up again even before my alarm for work goes off. I don’t feel extremely tired, although my face seems to have tattled on me a few times. After noting this, she too said “you should talk to your surrogate about her sleep schedule. Your body is synching with hers and the pregnancy and getting ready for your baby’s feeding schedule!” Amazing. Although, Kristen is up multiple times throughout the night thanks to Liam’s nocturnal gymnastics sessions, but it’s still amazing that my body is doing what it’s doing. After all I’ve been through and how much at times I’ve hated it, my body still finds ways to surprise me just about every day.
I am so thankful for these small ways that my body has allowed me to experience some kind of pregnancy. Not a physical pregnancy, but definitely one of emotional and sometimes hormonal nature. A mercy from God for sure; taking away my ability to carry a child is literally the worst thing that could ever have happened to me – being able to identify with Kristen, even if it is only trivial or minor physical and mental changes, is a blessing.
So in about a week I’ll begin the begging and reasoning with God on why Liam should go ahead and be born phase. I’ve been so patient until now, and to me it seems like this pregnancy has flown by. But, I’m ready. We’re ready! Everyone is ready to meet this miracle child. I sit and think about how I’ll feel the moment he’s placed in my arms, or the moment I see his eyes open for the first time; an overwhelming calm and overflowing warmth fill me up to the point of tears even to just imagine it. Trust me, there will be pictures of that exact moment (thanks to Jill) and all the moments of the day of his birth. There are big things happening already for this little boy – he doesn’t even know that he’s an unborn celebrity.