It’s beginning to feel more real as the weeks move forward. Today I went to Babies R Us to check out their selection of all the necessities. I also encountered the first (of many) inquisitive stares as I moved happily along the aisles with my tagging gun. One sweet lady was forward enough to ask, as we were both browsing bassinets, when I was due. I stared at her very prominent belly for a second before replying, knowing the question that would follow; she shared that she was due in two weeks. Without giving her the time to ask, I offered the information I knew was lingering in her mind: “My cousin is carrying a baby for me because I can’t. She’s 21 weeks, due in April with my son”. We stood and talked for a while, sharing little tidbits about our …pregnancies… and doing the “mommy bond” thing. It was nice, I have to admit, to be accepted by another pregnant mom so quickly. I felt like I was part of that exclusive club once again, and it felt nice.
In my quest to get ideas for Liam’s room, I still haven’t found the perfect “theme” or crib set. Let me clarify: I know what I want, I just can’t find it anywhere! I found the most beautiful room on Pinterest and I’ve been in love ever since. However, all little boy room sets seem to be baby animals or trucks and trains. While those are adorable, it’s not what I see when I picture his room.
I have this crib (which I purchased from a lady on Craigslist – hooray!), and we already have aqua furniture to tie in the blues. I just can’t find the perfect sheets/comforter to match. The solution? Having a best friend with the sewing skills and craftiness of Martha Stewart and Better Homes & Gardens combined. This little boy is getting custom made bedding – that’s right! I’m so excited.
But I must admit, this whirlwind of nursery prepping and “nesting” feels like a sad attempt at a distraction from what’s to come in the next three weeks. It’s all I’ve thought about for the past two weeks, and it gets stronger every day. Each day I remember what I was doing on that day last year – finishing up school, preparing for final exams, but most importantly feeling my belly every day and knowing that my dream had finally come true.
It’s hard, which is obvious, but I’m doing the best I can to stay busy and focus on the wonderful things we have going right now. It feels wrong to be in the same place mentally that I was last year – to be excited about expecting a baby for two years in a row. There are a lot of other feelings and emotions going through my mind and heart right now, but that pretty much sums it up for now. All we can do is take each day with new eyes and an open heart, and let the never-ending grieving process run its course.
2 thoughts on “The search is on!”
I love you.
Your story is so very sad but so very awe inspiring at the same time….I know that December 14th will be a very hard day for you and your family to get through but I wanted you to know that on December 14, 2010 our little miracle boy came into this world after 16 years of marriage and 14 years of trying to conceive and as we celebrate his 2nd Birthday and all the joy he has given us I will be thinking of you and your family and praying for your continued healing and your little miracle……