A picture is worth: a thousand heart breaking questions, a thousand bittersweet tears, a thousand wishes for a second chance.
Looking at this picture, every cell in my body aches at the uncertainty of what happened to Robert William that day. I’ve wondered it more times than I could ever count; I know for sure I’ve thought about it at least every single day since it happened. How did he look,how did he pass, how big were his feet and hands? Did someone hold him? Questions I can’t bare to ask anyone because I’m afraid of the answers; for now. My time is coming and I know the answers are there when I’m ready. My surgeon has done an impeccable job at answering my questions with just enough detail to give me closure but not enough detail to leave me any more emotionally scarred than I already am. I would never expect this from anyone that day, but I wish with every piece of my soul that I could have touched him – even unconsciously. To know forever that he was placed in my hand before he was taken, or to see the prints of his hands and feet – but I can’t turn back time, and I certainly can’t expect medical professionals to take time out of bringing me back from death to think about sentimental maternal instincts. I am practical and logical, but I am also a grieving mother for the rest of my life.
But the point of this post isn’t to depress my readers or make you feel sorry for me. I just marveled at this photo for so long, I knew I had to write about it. For a while I thought it was some kind of fake, photo-shopped image. I found the story that backs it up, so I’m fairly certain that it is real. I have so many emotions when I look at that tiny hand reaching out; jealousy, warmth, hope. Its beautiful, painful, breathtaking. It makes me look so forward to the day Liam is brought into this world and the fact that our sweet friend Jill will be there to capture the moment. Some people don’t agree with photographing such personal and intimate events, but my answer to that lies in your reaction to the photo above. Those parents will have that moment to look at every day for the rest of their lives! The memories and images I have in my heart are priceless and precious to me, but the ones I can share that give others hope and light are what make this journey worth every minute.
Photo credit: Babycenter
Hugs & love,