It was a year ago today that I happily announced to the world (which was a much smaller following at that point), that I was pregnant. I remember waking up that morning and deciding “today’s the day!”. We all know that once news is Facebook official, it’s really official.
That was the very first decision I made in sharing my life’s journey with everyone I know. I had no idea the path my life would take and the decisions that I would face from there on. Sharing our journey has felt very natural to me, all except the stressful weeks surrounding Kristen’s positive pregnancy tests and finding out that we had lost another baby. Still, I run into people weekly and my story seems to come up organically. People ask about my RWF wristband, some will ask if I have children, and some people have even recognized me from the news or editorials we’ve been featured in. It truly humbles me and warms the deepest part of my heart when someone says that I helped them in some way by sharing my story. Women have told me that they follow my blog because they too were going through IVF/pregnancy assistance and gained strength or courage from knowing that I could do it; some women have said that they appreciate my honesty and frankness about how to help someone in this situation cope. However it’s helped anyone, that was all my intention ever was for all of this and I feel so grateful to have had the chance to reach even a small number of people.
But, the fire in my heart is growing and I’m feeling like it’s time to really start moving forward. I’m ready to start the publishing process and really get my writing organized and ready for the presentation package. There’s so much I haven’t published (yet) from my personal journal that I kept while I was recovering (a few are here) and so much more I want to add. I can see the organization in my mind and I know how I want everything laid out – I’m ready to share everything this time and I can’t wait to get this ball rolling. I feel like the closer I get to the dreaded year anniversary (12.14.12), I need to purge myself of all the current happenings so that I can really focus on being productive. And to be very honest, I am terrified.
I know what’s coming and I’ve watched some friends/family go through the grieving process all over again at the year mark. I’ve been feeling it coming for a few weeks now, and my body has definitely been responding to those bottled up emotions. Trying my best to just make it through student teaching is hard enough; I’ve had more mental breakdowns in the last couple of weeks than I have in the past 3 months. It seems like the mantra “I can do this” has been on repeat in my head for fear that something else is going to fall apart. This time a year ago, my life felt “perfect”, and it quickly changed just a month later. I’m in the same position now, anxiously awaiting December so that I can get past that year mark but also so that I can run as fast as I can across the stage at UNCC and hurry away with my diploma before someone changes their mind. I feel like my life is in a constant state of “dash and crash” when it comes to anticipation and optimism. Realistically, I wonder all the time when I’ll finally hit my limit with looking on the bright side; but I’m not meaning to complain about it, I believe it’s a real gift to be able to still look forward to things at all at this point.
Please, friends & readers, share my blog with anyone you know would like to read it or may benefit from it and ask them to sign up to become followers. The more followers I have, the better when it comes to presenting a package to a publisher. The higher my numbers are shows that more people are interested in my story/writing and the easier it will be to promote and push. I’ve wanted this since everything happened when I needed help myself, and I think my story (and my book) could really be something like nothing else out there. There’s a lot more to my story than even some of my close friends know, but I’ll never get to share it all unless I can make this happen! I want to share and foster positivity and perseverance, and above all, possibility.