Well, here it is – the month I’ve been waiting for over the last 7 months. However surreal it may seem, I could be an expecting mommy in the next 30 days! Lots of emotions are on their way, I’m sure, but I think I’m finally ready to let myself get excited again.
I am now on the second phase of my egg retrieval/stimulation process, which means I’m giving myself 4 shots a day. It sounds brutal, but it’s really not that bad. Somehow, giving my own injections takes the fear out of the “poke” pain because I’m concentrating so hard on what I’m doing. The bruises on my stomach from the injections are proof that I am actually giving myself these shots, but I would never know it from the unexpected great emotional state I’m in! I was told to prepare for the worst: first menopause, which entailed hot flashes and mood swings, unexplained crying, etc. Luckily, my worst side effect from this phase (Lupron, “ovaries-off drug”) was fatigue and hot flashes (at night). Thank goodness, because I had braced myself for the possibility of turning into some green-skinned godzilla monster, killing everything in its path. Now in phase 2, I’m still tired every day but the good mood remains. Who knows, maybe its mind over matter – I know that my turn is finally coming, and no matter how bad it gets, nothing will take that joy away from me. So maybe somehow my old-self is creeping back out, the “rainbows and unicorns” view on life version of me that knows – all that matters is the end result of a baby in our arms.
The weeks are flying by, and before I knew it I realized I hadn’t written in two weeks. That’s very unlike me, and I’m honestly not sure where the time is going. I’m not working, so my days are pretty open to leisure for the first summer since I was 16. Hey, I’ve paid my dues, I’ve had a job year round (sometimes more than one) since I was 16. I love working, I love being good at things, and I love being a people pleaser. However, this summer was my turn. This is my chance to relax; focus on staying sane through the daily hormone changes and stimulations and to allow myself to look forward to the embryo transfer just around the corner. It’s sad that I have to coach myself into looking forward to something that is without question, worthy of being excited about. But of course, nothing is that simple to me anymore; the fear of complications or even the procedure being unsuccessful haunts me every day. I’m terrified of announcing our exciting news for fear of something going wrong and going through the same painful experience from last year. Its ok, though, I’ll get past the fear – I just don’t know when. As I said in a previous blog post, I hope everyone understands if the news does not become public right away. I know that we have been so open and honest about everything this whole process, so it’s hard to hide the fact that we may be expecting when everyone knows that we are doing the embryo transfer this month. Still, we need time to accept and process all of this before we can face the public with it.
I’m already planning how we will deliver the exciting news to everyone, once we are ready. See, there’s the old Jamie, the glass is half full!