My Recovery Journal

January 28th – If I can’t carry him..

I was so motivated with RWF this afternoon. Mom and I finalized a petition on change.org to tell NC senators that insurance companies in the state should cover IVF. We posted it on facebook, in the first 5 minutes had over 10 people sign it; the first hour we had 30 people signed! Mom did all the leg work, I just cleaned up the “message” and posted it on facebook. I’m excited to do something big with our idea, and I’m determined to make it successful. It makes me tired to think about all the work ahead of us, but the big shiny trophy at the end of that road is when we get to hold our own baby (ies) in our arms. The thought of it makes my heart warm and calms me instantly. I know it will happen one day, its starting all over in the countdown that’s killing me. I’m also determined to do all of this for Robert William. His life was so important; I can’t believe the opportunity we have to touch so many peoples’ lives because of his tiny soul.

I miss him so much every night; I know I write that every entry, but it’s always on my mind at this time. Maybe writing at night helps me channel all the depression I feel and that’s why I feel better when I do.  I showed Mom the tattoo on my foot today, she liked it (much to my surprise). I have to admit, it is one of the most touching things I’ve ever seen.  It makes me feel better when I look down and see his name on me, knowing it will be on my body for the rest of my life. A far cry from where I’d rather him be, in my belly, but it’s what I have to learn to be okay with. It reminds me that no matter where I am or how I feel, he was and always will be part of me. I never thought the kind of emotions I have gone through were humanly possible; I have felt the greatest sadness and the greatest love I’ve ever known in the matter of 5 months time.

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