My Recovery Journal

January 21st 2012 – Bday Blues

The day after my birthday – January 21st 2012

Yesterday was my 27th birthday, what was supposed to be a day that I looked forward to for several reasons. I was looking forward to receiving baby presents instead of presents for myself, and having a “happy birthday mommy” card that I’m sure Jake would have gotten me, despite the fact that the baby wasn’t due until May. Instead I opened my eyes and my first thought was “another year without a baby, and my first year without Robert William”. Great. I’m not even going to try to be brave or strong today, it’s not going to help. I don’t want today to be happy, I don’t want to be a year older because it just means another empty year. I’m so thankful that my family and friends are grateful that I’m alive for this birthday, it still amazes me to think that I might not be here for this day. That doesn’t change the fact that  I don’t want to celebrate. I wouldn’t let my family sing happy birthday to me that night; I didn’t want to have to pretend to be happy. Thankfully, they all understand, and respected what I wanted. I did get something I wanted earlier in the day, however. For so long I had planned on getting an angel that I had drawn (for Papaw) tattooed on my foot. Instead, I got “Robert William 12-14-11” down the outside of my right foot. If I can’t carry my son in my womb, I will carry him with me forever some other way – and this is how I decided to do that. Some people may have different opinions about it but I’ve began to understand how to not care anymore what anyone else thinks; I need to do what makes me happy. Seeing his name on my foot and knowing it will forever be there is a way to keep him and honor him every day. Even when I can’t see it, I know it’s there and I remember. I also thought of a quote “This kind of love is never lost, no matter how far away we are from one another”. I love it – it’s been a few months since I had the brain power to think normally and come up with something like that.

Jake and I ordered our “RWF” bracelets tonite, I’m so excited to see them; I’m even more excited to wear them. We’re going to sell them for the foundation, and I can’t wait to take them to Acro (and a few other businesses) that I know will sell them for us. We are really doing this, and we will make our baby angel proud through pouring our hearts into this foundation.

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