Monday was the one year anniversary of Robert William’s due date. No, he probably wouldn’t have been born -on- his due date, but it’s the only date we can use. He would have been a year old. That’s a hard dose of reality to swallow, as I lie here with my 8 week old blissfully snoozing on my chest.
I wonder almost every day if they would look alike; if Robert would have had the same big, beautiful, dark eyes as Liam. I pictured Robert as a blonde baby in my head, or maybe that’s from the only image I have in my mind from when I was in surgery being saved. I don’t feel like they are the same baby, although I had wondered before Liam was born if he was RW reincarnated. That’s not necessarily what I “believe”, but I’m open to interpretation of faith. Who are we to say what is and what isn’t? I don’t have a two-way line to God, and until I do, I see possibility in many things. But needless to say, that curiosity was removed when Liam was born and I knew that he was a different soul.
I’m so happy now. Every single day. It’s such relief and a natural anti-depressant. The pain deep down will always be there, I’ll always miss Robert. I’ll always wonder and compare, and remember how old he would be each year. He and Liam are “Irish twins” (born less than one year apart), appropriately enough since the name Liam Jamison is 100% Irish in origin. I’m thankful, though, that the separation is clearly there for me. It allows me to distinguish between the love I have for my two boys. I can’t ever say to Liam that he’s my “only boy”, and I catch myself sometimes when I’m talking to him in that mommy-baby talk. He’s my only boy on Earth, and I can say that.
I feel Robert every day and I wanted to acknowledge what would have been his birthday this week. Moving forward and progressing with the foundation, there are great things ahead for his name to live on – and I have no doubt that it will in very big ways. There are still these moments, as a mom, that I stop and let myself remember what I’ve been through and what I’ve lost. Liam is no replacement, he’s our miracle, and there’s a big difference.
Happy Birthday in Heaven, my sweet Angel boy. Our guardian, our protector, our first.