I haven’t written in a few weeks, since before Mother’s Day. It was a hard time for me leading up to that holiday; one that I knew I should be celebrating, but wasn’t. Not only was it Mother’s Day, it was also my “full term” date (I would have been 38 weeks pregnant). So, with the stress from the end of the semester paired with the anxiety of the inevitable emotional breakdown that lie ahead, we decided to leave town over the weekend that was my due date: May 27th.
So many events have taken place in the last couple of weeks. We hosted our first RWF event on May 10th at a local martini bar, which was a great success. We had a great turnout of family and friends, and even supporters who we had never met. Even more than raising money, I so enjoyed visiting with friends who I feel like I have no time to see anymore; knowing they were all there to support us meant the world to me. It gave me the confidence that I needed to know that we can have future fundraising events and continue to grow our precious RWF. Plus, it was amazing to have an event coordinated by our professional planner (thank goodness) that I didn’t have to lose sleep over. Okay, maybe I lost a little sleep, but nothing like I would have if I would have been planning it all by myself.
I finished this hectic, stressful, never ending last semester of classes at UNCC. I don’t know how it happened, but somehow I managed to finish all of my classes and keep my Dean’s List academic standing. I’m a fighter by nature, but it surprises me that I was able to focus through the last few months and not compromise the quality of my work. It helps that I was surrounded by professors and fellow students who refused to let me fall, and always knew how to pick me up if I did. There were still several times I caught myself stressing over the perfection of my grades, when as a wise friend once said “all that matters is passing”. I forget sometimes that just “passing” is even an option, but maybe that “won’t settle for less” trait in me is what kept me fighting for my life that day in December. I won’t compromise in life; it’s way too short. Not with careers, academics, goals or dreams; I refuse to because I’m stubborn, and I’ll succeed because I care.
Now to the hard part: the week ahead. So many mixed emotions are already presenting themselves; luckily I’m a pro at dealing with the seemingly unmanageable mood changes. I’ve painted a shell that people see every day; the “strong”, the “brave” Jamie. But on the inside, I’m still broken – not in a fixable kind of way, because this kind of hurt can’t be repaired. Having children in the future will never take away the pain of losing Robert, nor will it fill a void. A piece of me was taken away that I will never get back, in more than one way. Losing him and losing a part of my identity has changed me forever, and I will never be the same person again. This week is just the first of many hard dates and anniversaries I will have to dread. My due date, the year anniversary of losing him, and all the days in between that I should be a mommy to a little boy living on Earth instead of Heaven; I have been tortured by the haunting “what if’s” this past week when I wonder what day I would be going into labor. Would I have gone early, or would I need to be induced? Would everything go smoothly or would I have to have a c-section? I’ll never know because I will never experience childbirth, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. My heart aches to think that my lifelong dream of being a mother could have been fulfilled this week, and how the short 4 months I had him with me seem like the blink of an eye. I will think of him every day this week, as I have every day for the past 5 months, and as I will every day for the rest of my life. After this week I will begin to make room in my heart for the baby that may be in our very near future, who will deserve the same love and devotion that Robert would (and still does) receive.
Dedicated to Robert William Pursley – Due May 27th 2012, but grew his angel wings on December 14th 2011 –
“I wanted you more than you will ever know, so I sent my love to follow wherever you go.”